Self Hate
Talking to my soon-to-be ex-wife makes me hate myself, I just realized. I talked to her tonight.
I hate myself because I try to fit my idea of who and what I am into her idea of who and what I am and I fail miserably. I'm not that small. I'm not that incompetent and unaware. And I'm certainly not that cunning or conniving. But that's how she sees me: unaware, controlling, always playing an angle, never just loving or caring or honest, never simple and true, no, always something twisted and ugly and base. If only she understood that she can only project what she projects because that's how she knows herself. "Things are the way they are because I am the way I am." Horribly true words from Cheri Huber.
I feel if I could just make myself be the right way, she would want to be my wife again. She would treat me as an equal worthy of love, care, respect. Since I can't morph myself into someone else, something else that will meet her demands, I get massively disappointed in me. And the self-hate follows immediately. Deep self-hate. Deep hate because my marriage really mattered to me. My wife really mattered to me. The relationship with the woman who was my wife really mattered to me, more than anything. And look at me, I can't even change myself into what she wants and needs in life, so she left me and she's never coming back. Can you see why I might hate myself?
It doesn't make me feel good to talk to her. It feels like strife. It feels like someone not listening to me, not even trying to. It feels like trying to reach my father when I was a boy, who wouldn't listen to me, who always thought I was up to something even though I wasn't. I wanted to please him, I wanted him to love me. And I could never satisfy him. And that's how it's become with my wife. What do I do? Here I've been resisting the divorce the whole entire time, begging her, bargaining, pleading not to leave me, not to succumb to the weakness of ending a marriage because the relationship has some problems, pleading her to work it out, even forcing myself to accept her sleeping with another man and living with him. But as it turns out, maybe it is I who should have been seeking the divorce the whole time. I need to be with people who can encourage me, be kind to me, if possible. I should stay away from someone who only finds disappointment in me, who discourages me, who's displeased with me, who has nothing genuine, kind or compassionate to say to me.
I hate myself because I try to fit my idea of who and what I am into her idea of who and what I am and I fail miserably. I'm not that small. I'm not that incompetent and unaware. And I'm certainly not that cunning or conniving. But that's how she sees me: unaware, controlling, always playing an angle, never just loving or caring or honest, never simple and true, no, always something twisted and ugly and base. If only she understood that she can only project what she projects because that's how she knows herself. "Things are the way they are because I am the way I am." Horribly true words from Cheri Huber.
I feel if I could just make myself be the right way, she would want to be my wife again. She would treat me as an equal worthy of love, care, respect. Since I can't morph myself into someone else, something else that will meet her demands, I get massively disappointed in me. And the self-hate follows immediately. Deep self-hate. Deep hate because my marriage really mattered to me. My wife really mattered to me. The relationship with the woman who was my wife really mattered to me, more than anything. And look at me, I can't even change myself into what she wants and needs in life, so she left me and she's never coming back. Can you see why I might hate myself?
It doesn't make me feel good to talk to her. It feels like strife. It feels like someone not listening to me, not even trying to. It feels like trying to reach my father when I was a boy, who wouldn't listen to me, who always thought I was up to something even though I wasn't. I wanted to please him, I wanted him to love me. And I could never satisfy him. And that's how it's become with my wife. What do I do? Here I've been resisting the divorce the whole entire time, begging her, bargaining, pleading not to leave me, not to succumb to the weakness of ending a marriage because the relationship has some problems, pleading her to work it out, even forcing myself to accept her sleeping with another man and living with him. But as it turns out, maybe it is I who should have been seeking the divorce the whole time. I need to be with people who can encourage me, be kind to me, if possible. I should stay away from someone who only finds disappointment in me, who discourages me, who's displeased with me, who has nothing genuine, kind or compassionate to say to me.
posted by Scott M. Stirling | 8:28 PM
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