"What Happened?" The Shock of Divorce and Abandonment in Retrospect
It's been about one month since I blogged anything remotely related to my divorce. I am happily surprised to realize that. But I got on this morning because of something related to it that I need to share.
Last night I was going to burn a bunch of my digital pictures to CD to copy them over to my Powerbook (I couldn't think of any faster way to move so much data between the PC and the Mac), and I bravely or foolishly dared to open some of the picture folders to delete some unwanted pics to save space and time. I didn't resist looking at some pictures of my wife from earlier this year.
March, April, even the first week of June I have pictures of her smiling at the camera, smiling at me. I can't believe it. What happened? Six years married amounted to nothing when something changed in her within a month, judging from the pictures, and caused her to leave. Within two months, she was with another guy, or so I am told.
Not only the pictures of her told me that what happened was sudden and rapid, but also pictures of things in the yard and outdoor pictures from walks we had taken together, where she wasn't in the picture, but I remembered we were together, and I look at the dates on the picture files. Wow. It's quite humbling, almost embarassing on one level, to see how quickly one's supposedly strong and immortal love disintegrated into nothing.
I lost my appetite for moving any of my pictures and closed the laptop. I've come a pretty long way in terms of emotionally handling the divorce. But, I realized last night, that success is based in large part on abstaining from any communication with, talk about, or even thinking of my wife and our relationship. For the past month I have moved on in very healthy new ways, transforming my life into a textbook case for abandonment recovery, divorce recovery. The pictures thing was a little set back. A little tasty reminder of the freshness of the whole thing in my past. I need to be strong because next week I actually go to sign the divorce papers. And following that, probably another month from now, I have to go to the divorce hearing where my ex-wife (guess I can start to say ex-wife now) will be there. That requirement, to me now, seems cruelly unnecessary (I give up! I've gone along, I know I can't stop it!), but I have already decided that, for me, it will be the ritual, the ceremony, where my marriage is formally undone, dissolved and vaporized forever.
But the thing that made me share was the feeling I had immediately after waking up this morning. Thank God I still have my cats and decided to keep them rather than hand them over to my ex. Ziggy, my nine year old black cat, who my wife and I adopted six years ago, was there by my head, both of us sleeping on the couch. Vergil, the red tabby, was there on the rocker, looking at me. Some infomercial was playing on the TV -- 6am on Fox, something about herbal cures, which in my half-awake state I had assumed was the Charlie Rose show on PBS because one of the guys sounded like him . . .
And I thought of who I used to be, married, a husband. And I thought of my wife, and the pictures on my laptop, and how little time had passed, looking back, between what I saw as a reasonably happy, successful relationship (symbolized by smiling pictures of her looking at me, hiking through the woods with me and her mom), and the swift, ugly and horribly pitiful death of the relationship. I cannot describe how it felt except metaphorically as standing on the edge of a void, unsure exactly how you got there, how A led to B led to C, but the dawning realization that here I am, and between her and me is a chasm of misunderstanding, time, space, hurt and individual attempts to move away from each other. And it's pretty much the worst feeling in the world. Beyond just feeling because it drives right into my mind the realization that nothing is reliable or sure in human relationships. Love between people is not the answer. I am alone. The partnership was always just a promise, a mutual gift, and it could always, at any time, have been taken back. One person cruelly demonstrating to another the shallow foundations of love and commitment. I mean, it's not that way for me. I obviously have had a very hard time dealing with the end of the relationship, forced to let go of the deep attachment that formed over the years, and the loss of romantic love too (a cyclical thing in long term marriage, which comes and goes over time). But I've been shown a pretty ugly side of love and marriage that I wish I could say didn't exist, was impossible, unimaginable.
Whew, well, thankfully I have been busting my ass on this recovery stuff. I got off the couch, steady, fed the cats, and decided to share. I'll be treating myself to breakfast at my favorite diner in town, the J & M Diner, where they have huge omelets and the best hashbrowns ever. Some people are coming to look at the house today, which has been on the market for a week and getting plenty of interest. On I go, one day at a time. It does get better, I can tell you that. Life gets better as you return to you and just keep moving on in positive directions.
For anyone reading my blog who's been through or going through a similar break up, I lucked across a book that's helped me a lot and that you may strongly identify with, as I have. It's called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, by Susan Anderson. I also recommend a therapist (especially if you have insurance that covers it) and/or divorce support group (try a Web search in your area -- maybe try Unitarian churches in your area; they tend to host things like that). As soon as you start making positive steps for you, you will begin to feel better. You will survive, yes, you will! I know, believe me, that although it seems like you'd be better of dead, hang in there a little longer. You can't do it all at once. Just take things a day at a time, or one hour or one minute at a time when you must. Be a loving, forgiving parent to yourself. Take yourself to a movie or out for ice cream (don't worry about being lazy or getting fat right now -- those are lower order problems for when you aren't dealing with the worst throes of divorce or a relationship ending). When you think it's horrible, it may still get worse (yes, I was surprised too), but at some point you will reach the bottom where you know it doesn't, it can't get any worse. Let yourself go there. Let yourself experience the grief when you can, until you get the deepest, most wretched sickness of it out of your system (be prepared to cry like a baby, perhaps more than once). As soon as that happens (unfortunately, it seems we have to hit utter rock bottom to turn the corner), if you're like me, you'll soon see that when you get to the point where it can't get any worse, it can only get better. I am totally serious. I'm here to tell you, it will get better. This is temporary, just like everything else. So hang in there.
Last night I was going to burn a bunch of my digital pictures to CD to copy them over to my Powerbook (I couldn't think of any faster way to move so much data between the PC and the Mac), and I bravely or foolishly dared to open some of the picture folders to delete some unwanted pics to save space and time. I didn't resist looking at some pictures of my wife from earlier this year.
March, April, even the first week of June I have pictures of her smiling at the camera, smiling at me. I can't believe it. What happened? Six years married amounted to nothing when something changed in her within a month, judging from the pictures, and caused her to leave. Within two months, she was with another guy, or so I am told.
Not only the pictures of her told me that what happened was sudden and rapid, but also pictures of things in the yard and outdoor pictures from walks we had taken together, where she wasn't in the picture, but I remembered we were together, and I look at the dates on the picture files. Wow. It's quite humbling, almost embarassing on one level, to see how quickly one's supposedly strong and immortal love disintegrated into nothing.
I lost my appetite for moving any of my pictures and closed the laptop. I've come a pretty long way in terms of emotionally handling the divorce. But, I realized last night, that success is based in large part on abstaining from any communication with, talk about, or even thinking of my wife and our relationship. For the past month I have moved on in very healthy new ways, transforming my life into a textbook case for abandonment recovery, divorce recovery. The pictures thing was a little set back. A little tasty reminder of the freshness of the whole thing in my past. I need to be strong because next week I actually go to sign the divorce papers. And following that, probably another month from now, I have to go to the divorce hearing where my ex-wife (guess I can start to say ex-wife now) will be there. That requirement, to me now, seems cruelly unnecessary (I give up! I've gone along, I know I can't stop it!), but I have already decided that, for me, it will be the ritual, the ceremony, where my marriage is formally undone, dissolved and vaporized forever.
But the thing that made me share was the feeling I had immediately after waking up this morning. Thank God I still have my cats and decided to keep them rather than hand them over to my ex. Ziggy, my nine year old black cat, who my wife and I adopted six years ago, was there by my head, both of us sleeping on the couch. Vergil, the red tabby, was there on the rocker, looking at me. Some infomercial was playing on the TV -- 6am on Fox, something about herbal cures, which in my half-awake state I had assumed was the Charlie Rose show on PBS because one of the guys sounded like him . . .
And I thought of who I used to be, married, a husband. And I thought of my wife, and the pictures on my laptop, and how little time had passed, looking back, between what I saw as a reasonably happy, successful relationship (symbolized by smiling pictures of her looking at me, hiking through the woods with me and her mom), and the swift, ugly and horribly pitiful death of the relationship. I cannot describe how it felt except metaphorically as standing on the edge of a void, unsure exactly how you got there, how A led to B led to C, but the dawning realization that here I am, and between her and me is a chasm of misunderstanding, time, space, hurt and individual attempts to move away from each other. And it's pretty much the worst feeling in the world. Beyond just feeling because it drives right into my mind the realization that nothing is reliable or sure in human relationships. Love between people is not the answer. I am alone. The partnership was always just a promise, a mutual gift, and it could always, at any time, have been taken back. One person cruelly demonstrating to another the shallow foundations of love and commitment. I mean, it's not that way for me. I obviously have had a very hard time dealing with the end of the relationship, forced to let go of the deep attachment that formed over the years, and the loss of romantic love too (a cyclical thing in long term marriage, which comes and goes over time). But I've been shown a pretty ugly side of love and marriage that I wish I could say didn't exist, was impossible, unimaginable.
Whew, well, thankfully I have been busting my ass on this recovery stuff. I got off the couch, steady, fed the cats, and decided to share. I'll be treating myself to breakfast at my favorite diner in town, the J & M Diner, where they have huge omelets and the best hashbrowns ever. Some people are coming to look at the house today, which has been on the market for a week and getting plenty of interest. On I go, one day at a time. It does get better, I can tell you that. Life gets better as you return to you and just keep moving on in positive directions.
For anyone reading my blog who's been through or going through a similar break up, I lucked across a book that's helped me a lot and that you may strongly identify with, as I have. It's called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, by Susan Anderson. I also recommend a therapist (especially if you have insurance that covers it) and/or divorce support group (try a Web search in your area -- maybe try Unitarian churches in your area; they tend to host things like that). As soon as you start making positive steps for you, you will begin to feel better. You will survive, yes, you will! I know, believe me, that although it seems like you'd be better of dead, hang in there a little longer. You can't do it all at once. Just take things a day at a time, or one hour or one minute at a time when you must. Be a loving, forgiving parent to yourself. Take yourself to a movie or out for ice cream (don't worry about being lazy or getting fat right now -- those are lower order problems for when you aren't dealing with the worst throes of divorce or a relationship ending). When you think it's horrible, it may still get worse (yes, I was surprised too), but at some point you will reach the bottom where you know it doesn't, it can't get any worse. Let yourself go there. Let yourself experience the grief when you can, until you get the deepest, most wretched sickness of it out of your system (be prepared to cry like a baby, perhaps more than once). As soon as that happens (unfortunately, it seems we have to hit utter rock bottom to turn the corner), if you're like me, you'll soon see that when you get to the point where it can't get any worse, it can only get better. I am totally serious. I'm here to tell you, it will get better. This is temporary, just like everything else. So hang in there.
posted by Scott M. Stirling | 9:09 PM
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