No One to Take Care of Me But Me
Well, I tried erasing my blog and starting over to ditch my divorce and everything that comes with it. But, you can't erase such a powerful experience as that so easily. It's part of my life and I can deny it, but that would be untrue, unreal. Eventually it will fade. And in some ways it has. But I can't honestly say it's behind me yet.
Today I took some simple advice and asked myself how I felt a few times and listened to the answer. That's a good practice. I should do it more. How many people will ask you how you feel and listen to the answer like they really care? Few, if any. You have to take care of yourself.
How I feel, I was surprised to hear myself responding, is that I am angry and upset that I have no one to take care of me. No one to help me with shopping, paying my bills, feeding my cats, scooping the cat litter, tell me not to smoke, encourage me to go to the gym, to cook some real food, etc., etc. I got used to that in marriage, that regular caring from another person who watched out for me when I wasn't watching for myself.
The truth is, there's no one to take care of me but me. That may be a painful fact, but it's simple and true and there's really not much to do about it. Until or unless I am an invalid or a millionaire and other people are taking care of me, I have to do it. But even in such situations, the human condition is inescapable; it can be numbed, salved, hidden, but it's always there when you look deeply. I try to live an authentic life. I mean "authentic" in the somewhat technical Sartrian existential sense of recognizing and dealing with my essential freedom day to day. Being in a relationship can dull that sometimes harsh awareness of freedom. Being in a relationship is comforting, placating to that sense of stark aloneness and self-dependence.
I'm glad I asked and glad I was encouraged to ask how I am feeling. I wonder what else it will turn up as I practice it. It's taking some time getting used to be alone. I realized many months ago that to bury the painful reality of my freedom and responsibility for self-determination in relationships is self-defeating. Maybe I just can't bring myself to do what other people are happy doing. Or maybe a divorce is just, in many cases, a deeply painful experience to be savored for a very long time. I know this sounds mordant and, well, negative. But, can you look around at the world we live in and be happy all the time? Would you rather I said that there's a switch in attitude that makes all the pain a trifling thing to dismiss? Even in religion there's no such thing. No major religion is without its darker corners -- whether it is the inescapable corrupted world of Judaeo-Christian religion, a brutalized Savior, the balancing of light and dark forces in Hinduism and Taoism, or the Buddhist acceptance of universal suffering as an unadorned fact.
If your marriage/divorce/relationship ends easily and painlessly, then I think maybe something is missing (maybe it didn't really mean as much to you as you thought, which may be fine if you weren't together long) or maybe your perception is occluded. Or maybe you're so inured to mistreatment that it rolls right off of you, which is sad and deserves compassion. Or, maybe you are still deluded by heart-breaking hope. Or maybe it hasn't caught up to you yet. I'd offer other, more hopeful alternatives, but they haven't been dealt to me so I don't know what they would be.
I point out the dark side because it feels good to admit it, to accept it and let it out. Life seems as full of suffering as its opposite. I just feel I have to give that experience its due or I am not living up to life's expectations of me. Of course I also have to witness the good, and I am happy to do that when I can. I hope to do it more -- ah, there it is again, that bastard "Hope." At least we can smile.
Today I took some simple advice and asked myself how I felt a few times and listened to the answer. That's a good practice. I should do it more. How many people will ask you how you feel and listen to the answer like they really care? Few, if any. You have to take care of yourself.
How I feel, I was surprised to hear myself responding, is that I am angry and upset that I have no one to take care of me. No one to help me with shopping, paying my bills, feeding my cats, scooping the cat litter, tell me not to smoke, encourage me to go to the gym, to cook some real food, etc., etc. I got used to that in marriage, that regular caring from another person who watched out for me when I wasn't watching for myself.
The truth is, there's no one to take care of me but me. That may be a painful fact, but it's simple and true and there's really not much to do about it. Until or unless I am an invalid or a millionaire and other people are taking care of me, I have to do it. But even in such situations, the human condition is inescapable; it can be numbed, salved, hidden, but it's always there when you look deeply. I try to live an authentic life. I mean "authentic" in the somewhat technical Sartrian existential sense of recognizing and dealing with my essential freedom day to day. Being in a relationship can dull that sometimes harsh awareness of freedom. Being in a relationship is comforting, placating to that sense of stark aloneness and self-dependence.
I'm glad I asked and glad I was encouraged to ask how I am feeling. I wonder what else it will turn up as I practice it. It's taking some time getting used to be alone. I realized many months ago that to bury the painful reality of my freedom and responsibility for self-determination in relationships is self-defeating. Maybe I just can't bring myself to do what other people are happy doing. Or maybe a divorce is just, in many cases, a deeply painful experience to be savored for a very long time. I know this sounds mordant and, well, negative. But, can you look around at the world we live in and be happy all the time? Would you rather I said that there's a switch in attitude that makes all the pain a trifling thing to dismiss? Even in religion there's no such thing. No major religion is without its darker corners -- whether it is the inescapable corrupted world of Judaeo-Christian religion, a brutalized Savior, the balancing of light and dark forces in Hinduism and Taoism, or the Buddhist acceptance of universal suffering as an unadorned fact.
If your marriage/divorce/relationship ends easily and painlessly, then I think maybe something is missing (maybe it didn't really mean as much to you as you thought, which may be fine if you weren't together long) or maybe your perception is occluded. Or maybe you're so inured to mistreatment that it rolls right off of you, which is sad and deserves compassion. Or, maybe you are still deluded by heart-breaking hope. Or maybe it hasn't caught up to you yet. I'd offer other, more hopeful alternatives, but they haven't been dealt to me so I don't know what they would be.
I point out the dark side because it feels good to admit it, to accept it and let it out. Life seems as full of suffering as its opposite. I just feel I have to give that experience its due or I am not living up to life's expectations of me. Of course I also have to witness the good, and I am happy to do that when I can. I hope to do it more -- ah, there it is again, that bastard "Hope." At least we can smile.
posted by Scott M. Stirling | 8:52 PM
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