My Mind a Year Ago

I found this email draft to myself, dated 1/5/05, while searching my old email for some information. What a horrible time. And that wasn't even the worst of it. Around this time I was pelted by waves of grief and depression daily. I was on antidepressants, which had saved my job. I couldn't have functioned otherwise, unless you call sobbing uncontrollably, quivering and staring at a computer monitor all day "functioning." Even by January, 6 months or so after my stupid wife left I was practically useless and had taken a new, less technical job that was less demanding. Anyway, here it is, a nasty little reminder. I am in a much different place today, though far from where I was once. Warning, what follows has several expletives. I'm not editing it except to remove my ex-wife's name. It wouldn't be honest or helpful to anyone to expurgate what is essentially an objectionable experience.

- want to bargain with C.: come back and I will: let you get a 3rd cat, let you live in my big new place, take you traveling, go to therapy w/you

- every day is a struggle. A fucking struggle, especially the morning

- Monday night was horrible. Fucking horrible. I wept and sobbed. I want to help C., so much. I feel so strongly that she's fucking her life up. I felt to sorry for her and so helpless to help. I think she's lost, and I think part of that is what fucked up our marriage. I fear she'll come to some realization that the marriage was a good thing, but it will be too late. I'll be gone or have given up. How do I move on? I want to wait, but I don't have the strength or the greatness to wait for something that might never happen. I feel bad. I feel I should be able to wait.

- Suicidal thoughts. Not emotional ones, just rational ones. Why live? Why not die? Reading book on euthanasia. With my marriage over, what's my purpose for living? It was my #1 purpose

- Life should be good, and it is at times. But it's shot through with remorse and sorrow. My successes and happiness undercut by the world and people in my life who aren't doing as well.

- I want to be normal. Just normal. Not sad, not great, not depressed, not ecstatic. Just normal.

- I wish I could erase my memory. That's how bad it feels. I totally empathize with the characters in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

- Seeing C. again rips open the wound I thought was almost healed. All this shit -- the pleading, the wishing I could erase the memories, the suicidal thoughts, the daily struggle -- I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS!!

- cleaning the house, shit even living in it, is hard. I get flashes of memories that are psychologically painful. How do I deal with these? One of the worst is the memory of the first day we moved in here -- how happy we both were, both coming in at the same time, the place all empty. It's devastating to think of.

No kidding. It was horrible living in that house alone. I worked my ass off to sell it and so did my realtor. She was a savior in the regard. It took months of keeping the place constantly clean (with two cats, one of whom puked in some random place once a week or so) so it could be shown at any time. It was shown almost daily for months and there was an open house most weekends.

I was so desperate to get out of there that I made an offer on and bought a condo for myself before I sold that one. I was looking at paying two large mortgages concurrently if the old house didn't sell. I did it though, or we did it, the realtor and I, in the nick of time.

At the time I wrote these thoughts down I had no idea how hard the year ahead was going to be. I kept hoping the suffering would end, kept thinking I might be about to turn the corner. I stopped the antidepressants during one of those wishful periods and never took them again. But no, it dragged on and on. And I grew more and more tired of living. I started reading everything I could about depression and psychology.

Less than a month later my octogenarian grandmother, an avid walker for decades, would fall and slam her head on the ground while out walking, losing the ability to walk. The event and its immediate aftermath, which was grave and nearly fatal for my grandmother, devastated my grandfather, putting much stress on his heart and setting the rest of the family on edge to await death, which suddenly seemed imminent for both of them. I sent an email to my ex-wfe. I had no one else in place to help me cope with this sort of tragic event. I got a brief "sorry to hear that" response that was apparently not good enough for me at the time. Looking back at my follow-up response, I don't see anything I really disagree with today except the obviously misguided and pointless attempt to engage her and get attention with a screed, beseeching and accusing simultaneously, to listen, show some compassion, share this life with me, help me, even if it hurts. But no. You can see her flat response, which had become old hat, but I was lower than ever and still adjusting to the new menu of pain. She read the passion and hurt in my words as simply "yelling" at her, ever the daughter to be placated, never to placate. I wasn't saying anything she wanted to hear, like "thank you for the stock response, and enjoy your rapturous liberation (it'll only cost me a year and a half of emotional blitzkrieg, but don't worry hon', I always picked up the tab, didn't I?)." If there's one thing she taught me, it's to be a professional ex-husband. Ah, all the sarcasm in the world buys nothing. I'm sorry.

--- Scott Stirling wrote:
> My grandparents stuck it out for 62 years. I had hoped
> to do the same. I've never seen such love as I saw
> between the two of them yesterday. Human love can only
> be so good. We're not gods. I don't think it gets much
> better than they had. And he, taking part in WWII bombing
> in the Pacific, the two of them raising 4 sons and traveling
> the world -- this is the end, and that is how he and they
> will be remembered.
>
> You can never be trusted again, can you? You're like
> a traitor who flipped and went to the other side. After
> 8 years you flip and say your past was a lie, a mistake
> and that love wasn't love. Funny thing, there is absolutely
> no reason to believe that you would not go right ahead and
> do the exact same thing again with someone else, whether
> it's 1 year, 3 years, or 8 more years. Could take a while
> to find out. Only naive optimism and early passion
> of a new relationship could fool someone (including
> you) into believing you would be able to commit and endure
> for the kind of relationship everyone really wants --
> lifetime love and commitment, someone to care for them in
> old age, "when I'm 64."
--------------------
Scott,

Let's please be cordial, or at least "professional".
I don't need to be yelled at by you anymore. Please
don't send emails of this kind to me anymore.

Thanks,
C.