Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Transitions
Before I forget, a great movie for one who is going through or has been through the grief of divorce (or the ending of any long relationship) is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
I am participating in a divorce workshop with a group of men and women going through and recovering from divorce. It's really a great experience and I wish I could have found such a group 2 years ago (when all I wanted to do was lie down and die if I couldn't be with my wife).
A great book recommendation I'd like to pass along too is William Bridges' Transitions (Amazon referrer link via one-journey consulting, the folks hosting our workshop), which talks a lot about divorce and other major transitions in life.
A couple things I got out of Bridges' book so far:
1. A lot of people experience a major, age/maturity-related life transition around the age of 30. It's well documented by researchers. My ex-wife definitely fits the profile of the young woman coming into her own and drastically changing her life in the process of coping with it.
2. A marriage can survive major personal and interpersonal transitions, but it's not entirely clear what the recipe is or whether there is one. I truly believe that my marriage could have been "saved" if some things had been different. I also believe that it was worth saving but I really didn't believe my wife was willing or able to at the time and I wish I'd had more experience and awareness and been able to say or do some things differently to help and understand her.
I do not believe at all that there was anything inherently incompatible about us (we were together for 8 years, so how could that be?) or inherently irresolvable about the problems in our marriage. But if you aren't lucky, the timing isn't right, the support structures aren't in place to help you both, your not ready to see certain things or your partner isn't or a myriad other reasons, personal transitions can and do lead to the break-up of marriages. People make moves, take actions that either really are or seem to be irreversible. New paths are bushwhacked when the old one seems unnavigable.
I also think, after tonight's workshop, which is composed partly of people who initiated their divorce and those who did not, that one can learn to be open and understanding and compassionate toward the plight of one's ex-spouse, even if they were unfaithful, without being required to condone their actions or even the divorce itself.
Thank you
I am participating in a divorce workshop with a group of men and women going through and recovering from divorce. It's really a great experience and I wish I could have found such a group 2 years ago (when all I wanted to do was lie down and die if I couldn't be with my wife).
A great book recommendation I'd like to pass along too is William Bridges' Transitions (Amazon referrer link via one-journey consulting, the folks hosting our workshop), which talks a lot about divorce and other major transitions in life.
A couple things I got out of Bridges' book so far:
1. A lot of people experience a major, age/maturity-related life transition around the age of 30. It's well documented by researchers. My ex-wife definitely fits the profile of the young woman coming into her own and drastically changing her life in the process of coping with it.
2. A marriage can survive major personal and interpersonal transitions, but it's not entirely clear what the recipe is or whether there is one. I truly believe that my marriage could have been "saved" if some things had been different. I also believe that it was worth saving but I really didn't believe my wife was willing or able to at the time and I wish I'd had more experience and awareness and been able to say or do some things differently to help and understand her.
I do not believe at all that there was anything inherently incompatible about us (we were together for 8 years, so how could that be?) or inherently irresolvable about the problems in our marriage. But if you aren't lucky, the timing isn't right, the support structures aren't in place to help you both, your not ready to see certain things or your partner isn't or a myriad other reasons, personal transitions can and do lead to the break-up of marriages. People make moves, take actions that either really are or seem to be irreversible. New paths are bushwhacked when the old one seems unnavigable.
I also think, after tonight's workshop, which is composed partly of people who initiated their divorce and those who did not, that one can learn to be open and understanding and compassionate toward the plight of one's ex-spouse, even if they were unfaithful, without being required to condone their actions or even the divorce itself.
Thank you
posted by Scott M. Stirling | 10:43 PM
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