Better to be Left than to Leave?
Imagine, if my ideas about the underlying causes of my divorce are more or less true, what other outcomes could have happened. There were two main forces to drive my marriage to divorce: one was my desire to be free from taking care of the needs of a person who was in many ways immature and a pain to be with because I wanted her to embody more of what I expected from a grown up (more and more over the years), the other was my ex-wife's desire to grow up and out of a protected, supportive environment that gave her more freedom and responsibility than her parents allowed.
Had I left her without resolving her issues, which I considered at one crucial point in my marriage a couple years before she ended it for her reasons, my immediate problem would have been alleviated (in return for an unknown but likely list of other issues to work through). But she would have been left, in the worst case, to repeat this cycle with someone else, perhaps having children in an unhappy second marriage, perhaps never growing up in the way she needed and wanted to. In the best case she would have realized she needed to grow up on her own and done that and then married again or whatever she chose to do.
What happened is that she left first and dealt with her problem and, in a way, mine. But I think this was done in the worst possible way for me. It couldn't have been more painful if she suddenly died. The unbearable image in my mind of her broken-hearted by a fatihless husband was enough to stop me. For her, since she refused (or was possibly incapable to do due to her maturity level) to compromise or be compassionate for me in the situation, I think she probably bought her own share of issues to resolve at some future time. But I can never be sure of that.
On second thought, I don't know if anyone really won. I was trying to make a case for it. I know my ex-wife thinks she won, though. She told everyone how happy she was to be free of me (and, I suppose, every adult responsibility that went with being married and a homeowner). Maybe in the end that's all that matters -- that she be happy and think she did the right thing. I will survive. Following through on my role as surrogate father, shouldn't I be happy that my daughter grew up and left the nest? Maybe someday that will be my consolation.
Look at me . . . I just can't let my marriage collapse into an abyss of meaninglessness, can I? My ex-wife and many others were content with her simple version of events. But I can't let things go like that. I can't look at life and
let it devolve to the meaningless absurdity that nature gives man raw. A loving relationship of 8 years should mean something. I have to create something to make sense of it, to put things in order, and I put a lot of energy into it -- A LOT over the past year and a half. That, I think, says something about me, how I am, what I am. And of my ex-wife? I know nothing, have nothing -- just a story I tried to concoct for both of us that would, to my surprise (though not entirely), honor the humanity in both of us, our love and our marriage, even though she doesn't care.
Had I left her without resolving her issues, which I considered at one crucial point in my marriage a couple years before she ended it for her reasons, my immediate problem would have been alleviated (in return for an unknown but likely list of other issues to work through). But she would have been left, in the worst case, to repeat this cycle with someone else, perhaps having children in an unhappy second marriage, perhaps never growing up in the way she needed and wanted to. In the best case she would have realized she needed to grow up on her own and done that and then married again or whatever she chose to do.
What happened is that she left first and dealt with her problem and, in a way, mine. But I think this was done in the worst possible way for me. It couldn't have been more painful if she suddenly died. The unbearable image in my mind of her broken-hearted by a fatihless husband was enough to stop me. For her, since she refused (or was possibly incapable to do due to her maturity level) to compromise or be compassionate for me in the situation, I think she probably bought her own share of issues to resolve at some future time. But I can never be sure of that.
On second thought, I don't know if anyone really won. I was trying to make a case for it. I know my ex-wife thinks she won, though. She told everyone how happy she was to be free of me (and, I suppose, every adult responsibility that went with being married and a homeowner). Maybe in the end that's all that matters -- that she be happy and think she did the right thing. I will survive. Following through on my role as surrogate father, shouldn't I be happy that my daughter grew up and left the nest? Maybe someday that will be my consolation.
Look at me . . . I just can't let my marriage collapse into an abyss of meaninglessness, can I? My ex-wife and many others were content with her simple version of events. But I can't let things go like that. I can't look at life and
let it devolve to the meaningless absurdity that nature gives man raw. A loving relationship of 8 years should mean something. I have to create something to make sense of it, to put things in order, and I put a lot of energy into it -- A LOT over the past year and a half. That, I think, says something about me, how I am, what I am. And of my ex-wife? I know nothing, have nothing -- just a story I tried to concoct for both of us that would, to my surprise (though not entirely), honor the humanity in both of us, our love and our marriage, even though she doesn't care.
posted by Scott M. Stirling | 2:36 AM
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