Divorce: a Year to the Day

On this day in 2005, with deep regret and sadness, I peacefully allowed my marriage to end in a divorce sought passionately by my then wife. I've had a tough year full of questions, depression, grief and anger. My marriage ended quickly, as I know it did for many people who have found my blog and written to me about their divorce experiences. Recently I feel I have turned a corner. It's been a year to the day. And I survived the lonely holiday season this year better on my own. I feel I have reached a better, however imperfect it may be, understanding of why she left, why she left when she did and why she left the way she did (which I have documented in some of my previous posts). There will be more questions, but I understand more than I did for a long painful period. I am sharing my thoughts here to express myself and to share with others who I hope can find some value in it.

Like many who have lived through divorce, I wonder how I could have avoided the whole thing. What could I have done differently to prevent my marriage from ending so painfully, from ending at all? Even before my divorce I had internalized the view that the happiness of others is not, generally, my responsibility or something I can control. There was nothing wrong with me that made my wife leave. Anyone who has bought that tale of blame from their ex should take what I just said to heart, rather than any message of self-blame, self-hate (which, of course, a bitter and resentful ex-spouse will encourage you to accept). Aspects of my personality and hers and the changing dynamics of our relationship over the years led to both of us experiencing unhappiness. But unhappiness does not itself lead to a sudden and one-sided divorce. My ex-wife like many unhappy people in relationships, tried to sell me and all her friends and family that simplistic story. And she seems to have been satisfied with it herself. Don't buy it. You'll probably never have a satisfactory understanding of what really happened if you believe their words prima facie and try to find the primary cause for your spouse's despair in yourself.

For me, I found it necessary to understand what beliefs, needs and motivations were behind my wife's actions -- and not just her final departure, but her whole mode of existence for years, even before I knew her. And I quickly realized (though the understanding and the heart took a long time to find their union) that this short-tempered, stubborn person who made me her worst enemy was not capable of the calm lucidity and self-awareness needed to give me the answers through self-report, though her blame, accusations and actions around the divorce would provide plenty of data for reflection in the painful months ahead.

Sure, my interpretation of her actions and my analysis of her behavior and our history and her family history is open to error. But I have come to trust my own intuitions and observations above all else when it comes to my life. And I've had a therapist to check my story and give me her own candid feedback. And I've had some interaction with somewhat objective family members, mostly mine, to help me see where I could be on the track or offbase. In the end, this is the best I or any of us who have had a total communication breakdown with another can do -- hypothesize, consider the facts and keep trying until as many pieces as possible fall into place.

In my case, I think it's clear that my ex-wife wanted and (for her development to maturity) needed an authority figure -- a surrogate father figure to replace the one for which she lost respect or never respected, due in part to her unhappy mother's undermining her respect for the man for years and years, and also due to some character flaws in the man, worse than most if you believe my ex-wife, but no worse than most if you knew the man or asked his sons or knew the impossibility of perfection that all humans are born to. He died a couple years after I married his daughter. She never got to resolve some important open issues that she had with him, I believe -- not just with him, in particular, but with a male authority, masculine being, leader and protector -- the figure of father we all have to deal with somehow in our lives.

The model of the strong male authority/leader figure with a subordinate, sometimes
subversive, feminine woman is one I consciously and intentionally tried to follow from my paternal grandparents' example; my grandparents, who had the only enduring and, from all outward appearances (to a child), happy marriage relationship I could observe while growing up.

It has become clearer and clearer to me that over the marriage I tired of acting as the authority figure but also resisted changing the model because I didn't know any other. Like a father with a teenage daughter I was often expected to make decisions and lead the way, yet always a potential subject for rebellion, anger and dissatisfaction when my way wasn't completely satisfactory.

There was an incident involving our swimming pool that contributed to her final break in the last year. I first suggested that we remove our above-ground pool (we had no children and I never used it and found it an eyesore and an unwelcome chore to open, maintain and then close each year) and replace it with a stone patio and landscpaping designed with my brother, hoping to create a sanctuary in the backyard and increase the value of our property. After a couple years of the subject remaining unresolved, I had had enough and insisted on it. She angrily relented. But she had an enduring, unexpressed unhappiness about not getting her way, which she threw in my face a couple months later, after I thought everything was, as she assured me, fine, and the pool had since been removed.

So many things fall into place with this view of the relationship. I told people at the end of my marriage that I felt like the only adult involved in the divorce -- she just left all her stuff at "our" house and moved in with a family member across town. She planned to leave it there indefinitely. She didn't care about it. She had just finished another undergraduate degree after years of searching and thinking about what to do after her first college degree and, just like a daughter leaving the parental nest, she left me immediately. She left me, all her things, a nice, big house and her two cats to live in the basement of a family member, working an entry level job like any other recent college graduate.

I think she was just living out a story or a stage of life that she didn't get to do when we graduated from college. And she wasn't primed or prepared to uphold a marriage through difficult times, in part due to her immaturity and inexperience with relationships (something we all suffer) and in part due to a definite negative example of a very dysfunctional marriage by her parents. I entertained her, took care of her, gave her an income to spend and manage in a safe environment, sheltered her, encouraged and funded her schooling and career aspirations. She in turn cooked for me, cleaned the house much more than I did, and did fun things like decorate for holidays. I got a nice, old-fashioned wife out of the deal and got to act as an old-fashioned husband. But eventually I tired of living and spending all of my time with someone who had, in some ways, still some growing up to do. She left me to grow up and be an adult, finally. Believe me, this is not how I saw things when she was leaving me.

Now, what did she tell me was the reason? Well, she seemed to zero in on the authority thing, though she wasn't able to admit or see that she had chosen me to play that role for her in life (much less why). She also couldn't see how any of the traits she suddenly claimed she hated (after 8 years) about me were character traits of her own as well (I did try to get there by "going first," taking some of the traits about her that bothered me and explaining how I could see those things in myself, which was new for me at the time). She was totally resistant to accepting blame, which would have been a sign of maturity had she been more willing to picture a truly balanced version of our relationship.

The only story I got from her was, in short, "we are too different and I am not happy with you anymore." I hope you can see that that explanation is no more useful or penetrating to the truth than silence. Getting one person's raw perspective is one thing, getting the truth is another. Even if you are dealing with a very self-aware, lucid and compassionate person willing to collaborate, some analysis, digging and, hard as it is, neutrality and compassion are required to reach an understanding that takes both sides into account and treats them both justly.

What could I have done differently? I could have not shirked my authority role, but I did. I didn't know the consequences that would have and I was uncomfortable doing it at first, but I did it anyway. I think one event that undermined my authority (much to my later relief, though not at the time) was when she saw me give in to another person's influence about a year before the break-up and, in turn, enable her to try smoking pot for the first time. Drinking, smoking, pot were not part of our relationship at all for 6 or 7 years. There was one erosion of the Scott she knew, the uncompromising man of principles gave in and smoked pot after 10 years of total abstinence.

Another thing I could have done differently was be more open to communication at certain times. There were a couple times over the years where she expressed dissatisfaction with our relationship and she bought a couple books, but I didn't see anything seriously wrong. I tended to believe that minor chronic and acute problems in a marriage were normal. My grandparents told me that marriage was full of compromises. I'd had several girlfriends and dated a lot. I saw nothing like the violence, infidelity and communication breakdowns that I witnessed between my parents growing up. I figured I knew all I needed to know. I should have been more open to my own ignorance. I could have listened more at the right times, which I didn't realize
were the right times until later.

That's about all I have at the moment. Explanation doesn't make me happier though. It just makes me sad. It makes me pity myself for what I've been through, makes me mourn lost opportunities to do my part to fix things, makes me feel more lonely than ever.

But it also helps me realize that the way she turned on me and threw away our entire past was to an extent appropriate to her level of maturity more than to any factor attributable to me. She wants nothing to do with me, doesn't want to hear from me or about me, much like an angry, somewhat maladjusted teenager rebelling against a parent. I don't deserve to be involved romantically with someone like that. I am better off alone or free to pursue grown up relationships with other like-minded adults.

Does all this mean I think my divorce was inevitable? No. I will always think that people can collaborate and communicate to solve problems. I think my ex-wife had the potential to do that a year ago. But if one is unwilling, then the willingness of the other is for naught. And that, that fact, is where, for me, human life clarifies its nature as not just a duality of opposing forces -- good and bad, happiness and sadness, man and woman -- but an absurdity. And that's what I am dealing with now: how to live in a world that I know is absurd and always will be.